“You’re better than this” they said. Up till today I still couldn’t trust them. I wouldn’t want to waste their effort into making me feel “better” so I just stood there and smiled. Deep in my heart, I really wanted to scream in their faces because all they tell me was lies. I waited and waited but still, nothing was written in my head. However, I was even more mad that my brain couldn’t even take the effort to just accept and at least TRY to be better.
I told these people you called “helpers” or “listening ears” whatever I felt. It’s fine cause that’s their job am i right? Knowing that, of course I answered every single stupid questions they asked. How are you? Why do you guys even think about killing yourselves? What can you gain from all this? Why did you even bother? Why did you listen to them? Just ignore them they say. My brain managed to at least come up with reasons until those question came up. I told them I don’t know. I didn’t know that their job still includes them digging up my own grave to know the reasons why I died. That’s when I stopped, smile and then told them that I needed to go for class. Did you get the joke? It’s not that I needed to go for class. I needed to beat myself up for going in there getting my shits even more complicated.
Hey Putri, you’re gonna be fine and I will help you okay? I understand what you’re going through but can you at least tell me why did you even cut yourself? Man, what a stupid question to ask. Its hilarious like ?? I didn’t even answer that. I looked down and started giggling to myself. Here is the thing, I don’t even fucking know why I did that and it’s funny how some of yall think that I can still try to control myself and not let it eat me up. All this while I was like the tigers in the circus putting up some funny show that you call “trying to be funny” with some clowns running around doing tricks with their painted face called “art” ? I feel like the trapped tigers in the circus. I couldn’t speak up for my ownself because the next thing I know is that I will be tortured and abused for doing so. I couldn’t live my own normal life. All I wanted was to live freely, hunt for happiness and live like I own my world.
Some of you yet still think of mental issues as a minor problem. You’d think that we want attention. Why would someone who doesn’t like being the center of attention want attention? We need help not attention. The kind of help that’s assuring not the kind of help which needs us to be sent for counselling. The kind of help that would try to give us a grip to hold on and not the kind of help that forces us up out of this stupid hole with their forces. When weakness strikes in, we fall back in cause there is no longer force to pull us back up. You find us picky? We’re not. It’s just choosing the suitable kind of help we need. We’re not lazy but weak. We’ve been through continuous wars with anxiety, our shadows, our fears and our ultimate enemy, ourselves. Yeah, it’s easy, you just gotta think of the correct technique and weapon to fight through. That’s not the right way and will never be. Looking at the big picture, you’re actually at war with yourself which means if you’re aiming to shoot your enemy in the head, you’re shooting yourself too. Hence, what to do? You wanna win the war but the only way is to kill your enemy which is yourself and if you kill your ownself then that’s it. That’s why we say, that if we’re at war with ourselves, it’s difficult and you wouldn’t be able to imagine the pain.
Time passes by, we get very numb each day. We’ve lost every part of ourselves therefore not feeling any pain no more. Somehow, depression still find its way to make me feel pain. Not the pain you feel when you’re slapped in the face by a person but the pain when your brain is drilled to the thought of killing yourself. Like some people who have committed crimes, in order to stop running and going anywhere in fear, they surrender themselves. We do too. In order to stop feeling fear, we let it take us away. We’re scared to feel pain, mad that we let them eat us up, embarrassed for giving up. We have had no choice but surrender was our only choice.
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