I was told that I need to do myself a favor. A favor which I myself didn’t even think is possible and that is to put myself first before others. I’m so used to being the last choice of a great opportunity and the first to be blamed during failure. I’d step myself way far back, stuck to the mindset that someone else could have deserved it better. No, more like someone might need it better than I do. I’d pass it to someone else and watch myself rot in pain. I don’t want anyone else feeling the way that I do to the point where I watch myself burn in my own anger and drown in my own sorrow. Used to giving away my precious time to anxiety and sacrificed the people I love to give room for depression. I’ll brag about how no one was ever there for me and it is true that sometimes the people that you aren’t even that close to will care so much more. I do appreciate the fact that people would offer a listening ear but I keep pushing them away by brushing the topic off and tell them that it’s fine. I knew I needed help but I wasn’t sure if I deserved the help or it was just my mind playing games with me. I juggled everything with the thought that things were gonna get better sooner or later, with the hope that I will be able to make it out again. Well, it did not work out because I’m still hesitant on taking a step, afraid that it was too big or that it was not even a step forward which is why I’d consider myself stuck.
“I do have flaws and so does everyone else. We’re all different in many ways and are worth more than thousands of gold”. That shit right there is true just that the society and maybe the people around you are the ones who have done so much to the point where they made you believe that you’re otherwise. I’ve always been living my life having almost 70% of the people around me telling me what is right and what is wrong. Don’t be fooled by thinking that I stupidly followed without even thinking through. I did but I was not able to do so because I know for damn sure that I will be judged and that people will really tear me down for doing otherwise. In fact, I really hate being in a position where people are going against me especially with a weak heart like mine. If you’ve known me or have met me personally, I am a happy go lucky kind of person. I really enjoy making people happy and I can guarantee you constant laughter for sure if we hang out. Helping someone or making people happy has always been my few top priorities in my life but because of that, I’ve always been trying to fulfill such that it has caused me to go through so much pain and literal sadness. “Drop them” they say. I didn’t because I’ve become so attached to these people and that at one point of time in my life, they have been the ones who have been there for me at my lowest and that they’ve seen me in every state be it lowest or highest. I’ve tried so hard to think of ways to make the situation better for everyone but never for myself that it caused me to feel very unappreciated and alone at times. Like they’ll walk off thinking that the problem is solved but that was because I gave in, taking the blame to make it easier that I was kept held in a garden of guilt like it grew immediately in me. I really hate speaking up because I know for a fact that I will lose in every argument and that I do not hold that much power and strength to speak up. It sucks really which is why I tend to bottle shits up than speaking up.
It’s always “Putri you should do this” or “Putri you could’ve”. It was literally never “we should” or “we could’ve”. I’ve been hearing so much of it that I’m so used to apologizing immediately or when no one is apologizing for their fault although I knew that I did the right thing. I’ll then rant about it to someone else and then they’ll tell me to speak up instead of just trying to be the “bigger” person. To be honest, I’d rather just take the whole blame and end it right there because the whole situation is just filled with ego and just pure anger. But then again, they’ll just tell me off on how I should be more selfish. It’s way too confusing for me because no matter what I do, it’s always wrong ya know. The funny thing is that the people who told me to be more selfish are the ones who will end up telling me or somebody else about how I was being selfish. That’s why I became more hesitant to do things because I am seriously not sure about how it would affect the people around me. Yes, my opinions should matter more to me than other’s but at the same time, other people’s feelings and opinions can literally affect me as well. It sucks.
Lastly, please do tell me if I am not like doing enough for you or like tell me in the nicest way possible because this piece of shit right here is literally too “sensitive” to take in rude comments. This is not serious thing but like if you wanna talk, you definitely can and I will try my best to reply, But if you don’t then please do not start a conversation with me. I really temporary conversations where you’ll be interested in the conversation at the starting, then when I return the same energy you’ll just show a whole new side of you. Not only does it make me feel like you’re tired of me, but it makes me wonder my whole entire life. Yes, I was wrong for like believing or like being too friendly but that is just me and I’ve tried to hard to change that about myself but I couldn’t. So now that you’ve known me for me being this way, please do not take advantage of the fact that and use me for temporary purposes. Rant to me, sure. I’ll literally free up my hole schedule just to hear you rant and try my literal best to make you feel better despite how I fell on that day or how difficult it can be but please don’t leave me hanging afterwards.
so, this is why.
— i lazy type alrdy so just wait for part 2—-
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