I don’t know how else to describe my pain. I feel hurt but I have no particular reason for that because the only thing that comes to mind is either people like literally everyone or just me. I hate both reasons because both of them are really what’s going to keep me alive in the long run. I don’t know if I’m living off the pain or am I just using the little tiny memories that genuinely make me happy as a reason to be happy. I hate the fact that I can’t seem to help myself no matter how hard I’ve tried. I just keep on going backwards, having to rebuild everything I had and that literally took me so damn long. I literally could’ve used the time to study hard and get to where I aim to be but I did not do that. I wasted my time in my dark room just trying to untangle myself from my complicated thought which you can clearly tell I with my own bare hands, tangled them all over again.
Watching everyone move on with their lives makes me feel so pressured because they’re going to keep moving forward and me having the fear of abandonment makes it so much harder to face the world. I’m afraid that I’ll be laughed at for my incapability to move forward. It makes me hate myself more because everyone made it seem so easy just like the way they say it but I can’t even do such a simple thing?
They say all I need to do is to not care about everyone else and focus on yourself. I feel like being here for people and helping them is the only job that can offer me a life and if I stop here, they’ll just kill me. I’m just a helpless employee, doing the same thing over and over again just to make my customers satisfied with the “service”. They’ll get to judge me on whether I’m good at it or not and if I don’t, I’ll have to take the blame and pay the fine. What am I in people’s life honestly? Just because you’re way ahead of me in life, that does not give you the right to leave me on the side like I’m nothing.
Validation? I don’t do that but I’ll promise your reassurance really. I’m no one that great nor high to be able to give that to you but I’ll be here if you need reassurance. I won’t be here for the time being since validation is what you’re looking for. I really don’t want to waste all my effort to someone who I’ll regret giving time to in the future or to someone who wouldn’t appreciate everything that I do for them. ’
“Face reality”. Bro, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror nor get a glimpse of myself on the camera without Instagram filters. No one really said I was ugly but that does not mean I’m good looking though. Actions speak louder than words they say. I see it all. The way someone else with way better features were picked over me? Knowing that I am very insecure of myself and proceeds to keep sending me videos of way prettier girls and brushing all those compliments for them onto my face. The more you use it as a joke, it becomes not funny but it’ll turn into a scar. I told you about something that causes me a lot of pain but you used it as a joke. Besides from me not knowing how to apply make up to myself, I can’t even put it on my face. I tried but with the bumps, redness of the acne, it literally saddens me so much. I’d have to keep looking eating looking at the mirror or even eat in darkness so that no one can look at me and immediately think “her acne oh my god”. Don’t even spare a glance and stop complimenting me because I know it’s a lie.
“Everyone has their own problems”. Stop, really. That sentence makes me so damn annoyed because my brain kept declining that fact. Maybe, don’t try advising me with that because even when I have my own problems, I still tried to be there for people because not only do I need a listening ear. Everyone else do deserve to be heard and so I’ll put everything else aside and give you my fullest attention. Sadly, the society is so filled with “be selfish to others and focus on yourself”. People really making all these negatives turn into a positive thing but when someone else does the same to them, they make it wrong. They blame others for being selfish. It’s like beating someone up for no reason but when they fought back as a form of self defence from you it’s wrong. You gave me the advice and in fact you did the same thing. You shut everyone out and focus on yourself. No replies, uncensored words are a form of “prioritising yourself” to you? I took that shit in and had to bear with it, understanding that you’re doing it to heal but when I do the same, everything just changes. It becomes an issue to everyone and I get attacked for that. I’m really confused.
With all this and you expect me to still be the bubbly person I usually am? Nah, well maybe but only for those who I feel is worth the effort and time for and that I definitely not you. Not everyone is going to read this anyways so I guess this is the start of my suicide note, something no one will read until they try to find out why I chose to be dead.
12.07 am , 26/9/2021
khairiahblogz 