I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what I do, it was never good enough nor considered my “best”. People told me off for not opening up nor answer as being asked but man, I just know how people are going to react to what I said. I do know for a fact that in the end, the story will always be about them and the things they went through then proceeds to compare mine and theirs.
“How is someone supposed to help you and understand your situation when you yourself don’t want to open up?”
I did try to open and I swear people always make it a problem. They’ll find my fault in the problem and make it a huge big deal. If you want me to open up then make me feel convinced that whatever I say will be safe between us, don’t even try to add in your stories into mine and then compare yours to mine.
I really do mean it when I say that I want to die or even be gone because it sucks having to feel so much hatred for yourself. No matter what I do, it’s just a big deal to people. I’m real glad that people are able to turn to me when they need help, it makes me feel like I’m reliable and that I can afford to help people. Which maybe that is why they feel like I am able to handle things on my own. It’s as if I’ll take in the advices I give to people as an advice for myself.
Reality is, I don’t. I can’t seem to use it on myself. I might seem stubborn at this point but trust me it’s not that I want to but it’s because I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I still am not moving forward. There won’t be any improvement and therefore that’s where I feel like I’m a failure. I want to be strong and be able to face shits on my own, I want to be happy, I want people to look at me and be like “yeah she is strong” or just feel the sense of “yeah I did it”. 3 years and I am still in the same place, same old spot.
Now I am pushing everyone away. I have so much love for a lot of people but I just keep pushing them away. It hurts because it is not something I want but because I have to. I know what I am capable of doing to others, I know how much pain I can cause to someone when I overthink hence leading them to doing the same. There were a couple of people who would check up on me from time to time but I would really like to apologise to some of you for not replying on time. That is why I suggest to not be close to me at this point because you will feel like I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. At one point I’ll be so damn sweet but the next time, I’ll be so damn cold. I’ll start to overthink and then tell you that you should find someone else. I really don’t want to lose you nor want you to leave me because I just don’t want to lose you and that it will hurt a lot because you mean so much to me but because I really do know what I am capable of, the way that Imagine you hurting because of me, I just had to ask you to leave or in fact, I’ll just hide myself.
Afterall, I do know for a fact that the way people are treating me is what hurts me but causing myself more pain but letting these people go or watching them leave because they’re tired of me broke me completely. I literally shattered everywhere to the point where even those who just started to get close to me got hurt. It sucks but I have no choice but to hide myself. I can’t afford to fix myself and that no one can. Therefore, I’m just going to go and hide myself for the time being. I hope that you guys will find the happiness that all of you have been craving for. I hope all of you heal from everything and I pray that you’ll find happiness within yourself.
Signing off,
Putri Khairiah
30/09/2021
1.16am
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