closure.

Was it hope? Was it out of pity? Was it sympathy? Was it love? Or was it boredom?

I’ll admit, I was scared. I was scared of the thought that I was gonna cause people pain, cause a fire that would be more than what water can put out. I was rather scared that I’d cause someone to be so traumatized due to something that I did and that I’d unlock a new fear of theirs. All I could ever think of was ‘What if’.

I saw your presence fade away. It was so empty that I could feel it in my heart that it was empty with just shattered pieces and grieving pain like a house after a fire break out. I watched everything fall apart, disappear into ashes, ruined. It was home.

I saw something in it that no one else can, it wasn’t anyone else’s. It was my home, my safe place. The place I look forward to seeing everyday, the place I’ve shed so many tears in, the place that has always been there to protect me from the society.

Dear home, you see things that people don’t see. You saw how I’d fall off the bed every morning, you’ve heard my loud and crazy yawn when I wake up in the morning, you’ve heard my ugly cries for every breakdown. You would listen to me rant about my day, you would listen to me sing even though the lyrics weren’t even in place, you became my playground for my inner child.

You might now look like the bad person, you might even be playing the victim card now too. However, I’ll never forget the times when I had no one and that you’d come so far even when you’re tired to make sure that I was safe. I’ll never forget the moment I met your family , the times when we’d laugh our asses off in the MRT train about some guy who acted funny, the times when we’d cry together when times were hard, the smiles we’ve shared from just thinking about how our lives would be when we get married, the times when we’d plan out about how we would raise our kids so that they don’t face the same thing that we do as a child, the times when we’d vibe to music during long bus rides.

I was desperate. I begged on my knees for you to come back but I guess I wasn’t really worth a second chance. But even so, how could you not give us another try. That was what I was thinking. Everyone was telling me that I shouldn’t beg, I shouldn’t be crying over some guy like you. The thing is you weren’t just a guy. You were my home and who in the correct mindset would ever want to lose their home even when life don’t work out.

I learned to be homeless. I begged for you but you left. I felt so betrayed thinking about how I still accepted you when you literally had nothing but that piece of heart that wasn’t even perfect. That small piece that you have left, was what I accepted thinking that people like you should be given a chance to live, should be given a chance to see the bright side of the world. The stories you’ve shared, the things that you’ve never had as a child, the reassurance, the love you’ve never really received. I swear on my life that I was so proud of the little improvements you’ve made, I was so proud of when you got your pay check, I was so proud for every time you go to work and school. You were so precious in everything that you do that I didn’t want anything to hurt you.

I have nothing now but you do. You left. Maybe there’s a side to your story that I might have not realize that might be hurting you. However, that still does not give you the rights to be seeing someone else after giving me a piece of hope that you’re gonna stay, to not give a proper closure. You couldn’t even look me in the eye anymore. I loved you as well as your family. It was hard for me to detach from them especially on the last day that I had to say goodbye to them. The voice of your little cousin when she gets excited seeing me still echoes in my head.

After that day, I woke up so scared. I didn’t even want to go out of my house because everything reminds me of you. I couldn’t even watch certain movies, take the public transport, walk home the same way anymore. I did almost everything and went almost everywhere with you that I’d reenact the scene in my head over and over again.

Like I’ve said before, I have played my part to push you to your best and now you shall show your best to your next one. I am sorry that I didn’t get to feel and see your best. Walk for me and I hope you will find yourself in someone else who can do better than I do. I promise you, no one could ever love you more than I did except Allah of course.

Yes I did say that if you ever want to come back, I’ll always be welcoming you with open arms. But knowing the truth, I’ll still be here but I will never be able to see you the same way anymore. You got me replaced first, when I was still deeply in love with you. I was struggling on my own while you were out there having the time of your life. Now, go ahead love. You’re gonna do great and I hope that you’ll find yourself sooner or later. Sad how I have to learn how to fix myself now but I guess you’re not the one for me. 🙂