I don’t know how to react to things already. Crying used to be the only way I can express how I feel but at this point, I have really upgraded to the most advanced level of depression where you just can’t cry so you just sit in bed, look at the ceiling and just have your mind reenact every single thing that happened today.

I can’t even tell anyone about how I feel or even talk about the things that goes through my head. Okay maybe part of me just doesn’t want to because I literally see no point on telling anyone because either way, they can’t do anything about it and most of the time they just don’t keep to their words on being there for me when I needed someone.

I’m not jealous or whatever but it’s sad that I am friends with people who have their own group of friends or have other people to hang out with or be there for them. Sometimes, I really wanna hang out to just forget about the pain but I can’t because the only people I have would have plans on that day and I do know for a fact that if given the choice to choose on whether they would wanna spend time with me or other people, they would choose others. Honestly, since when was I even one of their choices, maybe the last choice. I swear I’m not trying to guilt trip or whatever but as always, I’m that friend who would know everything last. Like when no one else would wanna listen to them, they’ll turn to me and tell me about it.

I cut off that much people off my life to the point where I just keep on constantly bugging the same people over and over again. They knew I have no other people to turn to but to watch them slowly get bored and tired of entertaining me is a different type of pain honestly. At this point don’t even think about getting mad when I don’t reply to texts or calls because I am THAT tired with life that I don’t even bother to want to talk to someone. Like I’ve said, I won’t initiate things anymore. I will no longer put anyone as a priority, I wouldn’t want to make time nor make plans anymore until you prove to me that it’s worth to spend time with you. I am tired of questioning my worth despite knowing where I stand.

It’s okay if I lose everyone tho. I really don’t mind and this is not because I don’t care. I do care which is why I feel like why waste a space in your life for someone like me when someone else who would’ve played a better part in your life could take that position you know. Why waste time for someone like me when you can literally use that 10 seconds of saying “hello” to me and use that 10 seconds to just communicate with someone who is more worth your time.

I don’t think I’d ever cry at this point but rather just carry around this heavy feeling. Heavy feeling of unworthiness. If I were to somehow be a stranger to you again, live your life to your fullest and maybe not much, but I hope I have played well in being another character in your life.

Was it hope? Was it out of pity? Was it sympathy? Was it love? Or was it boredom?

I’ll admit, I was scared. I was scared of the thought that I was gonna cause people pain, cause a fire that would be more than what water can put out. I was rather scared that I’d cause someone to be so traumatized due to something that I did and that I’d unlock a new fear of theirs. All I could ever think of was ‘What if’.

I saw your presence fade away. It was so empty that I could feel it in my heart that it was empty with just shattered pieces and grieving pain like a house after a fire break out. I watched everything fall apart, disappear into ashes, ruined. It was home.

I saw something in it that no one else can, it wasn’t anyone else’s. It was my home, my safe place. The place I look forward to seeing everyday, the place I’ve shed so many tears in, the place that has always been there to protect me from the society.

Dear home, you see things that people don’t see. You saw how I’d fall off the bed every morning, you’ve heard my loud and crazy yawn when I wake up in the morning, you’ve heard my ugly cries for every breakdown. You would listen to me rant about my day, you would listen to me sing even though the lyrics weren’t even in place, you became my playground for my inner child.

You might now look like the bad person, you might even be playing the victim card now too. However, I’ll never forget the times when I had no one and that you’d come so far even when you’re tired to make sure that I was safe. I’ll never forget the moment I met your family , the times when we’d laugh our asses off in the MRT train about some guy who acted funny, the times when we’d cry together when times were hard, the smiles we’ve shared from just thinking about how our lives would be when we get married, the times when we’d plan out about how we would raise our kids so that they don’t face the same thing that we do as a child, the times when we’d vibe to music during long bus rides.

I was desperate. I begged on my knees for you to come back but I guess I wasn’t really worth a second chance. But even so, how could you not give us another try. That was what I was thinking. Everyone was telling me that I shouldn’t beg, I shouldn’t be crying over some guy like you. The thing is you weren’t just a guy. You were my home and who in the correct mindset would ever want to lose their home even when life don’t work out.

I learned to be homeless. I begged for you but you left. I felt so betrayed thinking about how I still accepted you when you literally had nothing but that piece of heart that wasn’t even perfect. That small piece that you have left, was what I accepted thinking that people like you should be given a chance to live, should be given a chance to see the bright side of the world. The stories you’ve shared, the things that you’ve never had as a child, the reassurance, the love you’ve never really received. I swear on my life that I was so proud of the little improvements you’ve made, I was so proud of when you got your pay check, I was so proud for every time you go to work and school. You were so precious in everything that you do that I didn’t want anything to hurt you.

I have nothing now but you do. You left. Maybe there’s a side to your story that I might have not realize that might be hurting you. However, that still does not give you the rights to be seeing someone else after giving me a piece of hope that you’re gonna stay, to not give a proper closure. You couldn’t even look me in the eye anymore. I loved you as well as your family. It was hard for me to detach from them especially on the last day that I had to say goodbye to them. The voice of your little cousin when she gets excited seeing me still echoes in my head.

After that day, I woke up so scared. I didn’t even want to go out of my house because everything reminds me of you. I couldn’t even watch certain movies, take the public transport, walk home the same way anymore. I did almost everything and went almost everywhere with you that I’d reenact the scene in my head over and over again.

Like I’ve said before, I have played my part to push you to your best and now you shall show your best to your next one. I am sorry that I didn’t get to feel and see your best. Walk for me and I hope you will find yourself in someone else who can do better than I do. I promise you, no one could ever love you more than I did except Allah of course.

Yes I did say that if you ever want to come back, I’ll always be welcoming you with open arms. But knowing the truth, I’ll still be here but I will never be able to see you the same way anymore. You got me replaced first, when I was still deeply in love with you. I was struggling on my own while you were out there having the time of your life. Now, go ahead love. You’re gonna do great and I hope that you’ll find yourself sooner or later. Sad how I have to learn how to fix myself now but I guess you’re not the one for me. 🙂

I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what I do, it was never good enough nor considered my “best”. People told me off for not opening up nor answer as being asked but man, I just know how people are going to react to what I said. I do know for a fact that in the end, the story will always be about them and the things they went through then proceeds to compare mine and theirs.

“How is someone supposed to help you and understand your situation when you yourself don’t want to open up?”

I did try to open and I swear people always make it a problem. They’ll find my fault in the problem and make it a huge big deal. If you want me to open up then make me feel convinced that whatever I say will be safe between us, don’t even try to add in your stories into mine and then compare yours to mine.

I really do mean it when I say that I want to die or even be gone because it sucks having to feel so much hatred for yourself. No matter what I do, it’s just a big deal to people. I’m real glad that people are able to turn to me when they need help, it makes me feel like I’m reliable and that I can afford to help people. Which maybe that is why they feel like I am able to handle things on my own. It’s as if I’ll take in the advices I give to people as an advice for myself.

Reality is, I don’t. I can’t seem to use it on myself. I might seem stubborn at this point but trust me it’s not that I want to but it’s because I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I still am not moving forward. There won’t be any improvement and therefore that’s where I feel like I’m a failure. I want to be strong and be able to face shits on my own, I want to be happy, I want people to look at me and be like “yeah she is strong” or just feel the sense of “yeah I did it”. 3 years and I am still in the same place, same old spot.

Now I am pushing everyone away. I have so much love for a lot of people but I just keep pushing them away. It hurts because it is not something I want but because I have to. I know what I am capable of doing to others, I know how much pain I can cause to someone when I overthink hence leading them to doing the same. There were a couple of people who would check up on me from time to time but I would really like to apologise to some of you for not replying on time. That is why I suggest to not be close to me at this point because you will feel like I don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore. At one point I’ll be so damn sweet but the next time, I’ll be so damn cold. I’ll start to overthink and then tell you that you should find someone else. I really don’t want to lose you nor want you to leave me because I just don’t want to lose you and that it will hurt a lot because you mean so much to me but because I really do know what I am capable of, the way that Imagine you hurting because of me, I just had to ask you to leave or in fact, I’ll just hide myself.

Afterall, I do know for a fact that the way people are treating me is what hurts me but causing myself more pain but letting these people go or watching them leave because they’re tired of me broke me completely. I literally shattered everywhere to the point where even those who just started to get close to me got hurt. It sucks but I have no choice but to hide myself. I can’t afford to fix myself and that no one can. Therefore, I’m just going to go and hide myself for the time being. I hope that you guys will find the happiness that all of you have been craving for. I hope all of you heal from everything and I pray that you’ll find happiness within yourself.

Signing off,

Putri Khairiah

30/09/2021

1.16am

Is being pretty or good looking the only way to be loved by people? Honestly looking at the society, I don’t think people go for personality anymore because even people who people consider “not good looking” still treats people like shit which is why when given a choice to be hurt by a good-looking person or otherwise, they’d choose good looking because it’s more worth it? It’s pretty obvious that you’ll be attracted to people with just a glance and that’s what makes you want to get to know the person you know, you’ll definitely want to take one step ahead because you find them attractive. Do people who are like “damn she/he is fun to be with like being with her/him makes me so damn happy” or “she’s so beautiful, like look at her, so goofy/funny” still exists?

Preference? Sure. But don’t be talking to one person and when you see their friends you immediately friendzone the person you were talking to who would give you so much and would literally fight the world for you man. I swear it sucks man. At this point I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and I’ll just look at myself and feel so damn helpless. I had to suck it all in because I don’t want to cry in front of the mirror crying for looking the way I am. Imagine having to watch my mum listen to me cry because of what I am and wanting to be dead. Hence this leads into a whole new problem where I can’t even talk about how insecure I am whenever I see someone way more beautiful.

It is really normal to feel insecure but have you ever felt the pain where you’re just having fun with your friends and people are just going to you asking for your friends’ Instagram usernames or even brushing the compliments for them on your face? Bro like yes people do find other people attractive and I don’t blame them for being able to pull so many people but I blame myself for looking the way I look. It’s no longer voices but a reality of the way that people are treating me. All of you be like “No you’re just overthinking”. Man, how about being in my situation where people just come to me to fucking fangirl bro what in the actual fuck? I swear it sucks so much that it bothers me a lot and it affects the way I treat people. I can’t even look at anyone in the eye anymore. I can’t even eat outside with people without having to hide every time I see someone looking at me. I’d even apologize to people for not looking the way they expected me to look or even try my best to convince someone to not be fooled by the “me” that is on my social media platforms.

I don’t use the filters to satisfy nor pull anyone into my DMs. I really do know I’m ugly and I’m using all these filters to convince myself that I am pretty. If you know me well, I really do not take in compliments from people but I love to compliment myself not as a form of confidence but as a self-protection. I know that people are complimenting just to boost up my confidence but sorry to say, actions speaks louder than words. I know it’s a lie and no, I’m not denying the fact. But it shows so much in your actions, the way you’re treating me. The way you’ll stay a distance from me when someone more good-looking walks by. It’s as if you’re not proud to have me in your life on in your company.

After all this and you still expect me to not wonder my existence in your life? I’m sorry that I’m not good-looking enough to be friends with or I just don’t deserve you. Maybe that is why I always get thrown off to the side.

I don’t know how else to describe my pain. I feel hurt but I have no particular reason for that because the only thing that comes to mind is either people like literally everyone or just me. I hate both reasons because both of them are really what’s going to keep me alive in the long run. I don’t know if I’m living off the pain or am I just using the little tiny memories that genuinely make me happy as a reason to be happy. I hate the fact that I can’t seem to help myself no matter how hard I’ve tried. I just keep on going backwards, having to rebuild everything I had and that literally took me so damn long. I literally could’ve used the time to study hard and get to where I aim to be but I did not do that. I wasted my time in my dark room just trying to untangle myself from my complicated thought which you can clearly tell I with my own bare hands, tangled them all over again.

Watching everyone move on with their lives makes me feel so pressured because they’re going to keep moving forward and me having the fear of abandonment makes it so much harder to face the world. I’m afraid that I’ll be laughed at for my incapability to move forward. It makes me hate myself more because everyone made it seem so easy just like the way they say it but I can’t even do such a simple thing?

They say all I need to do is to not care about everyone else and focus on yourself. I feel like being here for people and helping them is the only job that can offer me a life and if I stop here, they’ll just kill me. I’m just a helpless employee, doing the same thing over and over again just to make my customers satisfied with the “service”. They’ll get to judge me on whether I’m good at it or not and if I don’t, I’ll have to take the blame and pay the fine. What am I in people’s life honestly? Just because you’re way ahead of me in life, that does not give you the right to leave me on the side like I’m nothing.

Validation? I don’t do that but I’ll promise your reassurance really. I’m no one that great nor high to be able to give that to you but I’ll be here if you need reassurance. I won’t be here for the time being since validation is what you’re looking for. I really don’t want to waste all my effort to someone who I’ll regret giving time to in the future or to someone who wouldn’t appreciate everything that I do for them. ’

“Face reality”. Bro, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror nor get a glimpse of myself on the camera without Instagram filters. No one really said I was ugly but that does not mean I’m good looking though. Actions speak louder than words they say. I see it all. The way someone else with way better features were picked over me? Knowing that I am very insecure of myself and proceeds to keep sending me videos of way prettier girls and brushing all those compliments for them onto my face. The more you use it as a joke, it becomes not funny but it’ll turn into a scar. I told you about something that causes me a lot of pain but you used it as a joke. Besides from me not knowing how to apply make up to myself, I can’t even put it on my face. I tried but with the bumps, redness of the acne, it literally saddens me so much. I’d have to keep looking eating looking at the mirror or even eat in darkness so that no one can look at me and immediately think “her acne oh my god”. Don’t even spare a glance and stop complimenting me because I know it’s a lie.

“Everyone has their own problems”. Stop, really. That sentence makes me so damn annoyed because my brain kept declining that fact. Maybe, don’t try advising me with that because even when I have my own problems, I still tried to be there for people because not only do I need a listening ear. Everyone else do deserve to be heard and so I’ll put everything else aside and give you my fullest attention. Sadly, the society is so filled with “be selfish to others and focus on yourself”. People really making all these negatives turn into a positive thing but when someone else does the same to them, they make it wrong. They blame others for being selfish. It’s like beating someone up for no reason but when they fought back as a form of self defence from you it’s wrong. You gave me the advice and in fact you did the same thing. You shut everyone out and focus on yourself. No replies, uncensored words are a form of “prioritising yourself” to you? I took that shit in and had to bear with it, understanding that you’re doing it to heal but when I do the same, everything just changes. It becomes an issue to everyone and I get attacked for that. I’m really confused.

With all this and you expect me to still be the bubbly person I usually am? Nah, well maybe but only for those who I feel is worth the effort and time for and that I definitely not you. Not everyone is going to read this anyways so I guess this is the start of my suicide note, something no one will read until they try to find out why I chose to be dead.

12.07 am , 26/9/2021

Started with divorced parents on 2004, the year I was born.

Date unsure but confident that I didn’t deserved this.

Was unlucky, fed with only affordable bread and milo.

Stacked letters and pile of bills

Our second home was the hospital

Our alarm was the beeping noises of the life support

Cold chairs at the waiting area became our go to sleeping area

We had nothing but only us.

We became our parent’s last hope and strength to move forward.

All my praises to Allah, we finally had a ‘home’.

Growing up became a song going on repeat

Did the same thing, ate the same thing

We didn’t have anything but the bond made us forget about how we were poor

3 times a day, same old floor, on some random laid out newspaper

Dad went out for a whole day with just a cup of coffee

While she was enjoying herself out there

Making the best for someone else’s children

The only sentences we’d repeat were “mana ibu?”

All four of us didn’t have anyone to protect us nor raise us properly

However we managed.

We slept together side by side, hoping to feel safe

Until one night, trauma hits me

Giggles, laughter, tight spaces, the shake.

Still clear in my mind.

Couldn’t sleep and so I pretended to be asleep as I watch her do so much inappropriate things

And thank god, I was the only one watching it, not any of my siblings.

An unknown face started becoming very familiar

The night was kept on repeat, noises still echoes in my mind

All I felt was disgust and fear

I hated the stranger for breaking them up

The toilet didn’t felt like a safe place either.

Felt like a mom taking care of the fear for years as it grew

It went on for 9 years and finally had enough of it

That one damn touch that occurred not only to me but to my siblings to

Went on for years

It has caused pure damage to my mental health

I spoke up about it

No one believed me in the first place because of the relationship we had

Luckily dad was there and supported me through out

At that point of time, I thought that life was going to get better for me but

The world decided to turn their back on me

“you’re too kind”

“you’re too nice”

“you’re too forgiving”

“why do you choose to stay although you knew that these people are causing you pain?”

The feeling of being left have always been stuck with me and I know that feeling

Just because of this shit I’ve been through, that still does not give me the rights to make someone else go through the feeling and pain that I went through.

“why are you doing so much for people?”

This is the way I was raised

Imagine being a father watching his 6-year-old son waiting with a black plastic bag filled with clothes at the bus stop at night for 4 hours for his mom who promised to pick him up after work and didn’t.

The betrayal, the pain. The broken feeling.

The feeling of abandoned

So, I choose to stay

They were tired so they left but I’m tired too, but I still choose to stay.

I’d find ways to make someone stay, losing these people would hurt to the max

I’d give in so much and yet they left as if it was nothing and that made me feel like I’m not good enough

It was if I wasn’t doing my best or that I am not worth staying with

I guess they were tired of my constant overthinking that maybe I might have made them felt like it is too much for them to hear out

They were tired and I pity them because trust me, I myself couldn’t bare my overthinking thoughts.

So, I stopped sharing my feelings

I bottled everything up and just shut everything out

I did not put myself to priority and that has been my biggest regret up till today

Despite that, I’m proud of what I did for others by being there for them

That has been my full time job since then

Until one day, I realised that I wasn’t able to help anyone anymore because I have completely lost everything I had in me.

I gave away too much of myself that I wasn’t able to give a piece to someone who needed it and that literally crushed and tore me into pieces

I felt like a failure as well as a disappointment

The voices I had to block out every time took over my own voice

Art became my coping mechanism whereby my body became a canvas.

I’d draw lines repeatedly with only one tool and it literally felt so good

I felt at ease because I wasn’t hurting anyone but myself

Until one day, my “art career” came to an end when most people in my life were disappointed with what I did.

A few people left, a few people made fun of how I did not go to school for 6 months

Most people didn’t believe me up till today

Not going to lie but that’s been the most heart breaking thing for me

I’m confused literally.

At one point of time people would find ways for me to stay and then they’ll become the reason for me to die.

I don’t know what to do.

This is gonna be last straw and if this still does not work out, I’m hoping that my countless attempt will finally be a success.

I was told that I need to do myself a favor. A favor which I myself didn’t even think is possible and that is to put myself first before others. I’m so used to being the last choice of a great opportunity and the first to be blamed during failure. I’d step myself way far back, stuck to the mindset that someone else could have deserved it better. No, more like someone might need it better than I do. I’d pass it to someone else and watch myself rot in pain. I don’t want anyone else feeling the way that I do to the point where I watch myself burn in my own anger and drown in my own sorrow. Used to giving away my precious time to anxiety and sacrificed the people I love to give room for depression. I’ll brag about how no one was ever there for me and it is true that sometimes the people that you aren’t even that close to will care so much more. I do appreciate the fact that people would offer a listening ear but I keep pushing them away by brushing the topic off and tell them that it’s fine. I knew I needed help but I wasn’t sure if I deserved the help or it was just my mind playing games with me. I juggled everything with the thought that things were gonna get better sooner or later, with the hope that I will be able to make it out again. Well, it did not work out because I’m still hesitant on taking a step, afraid that it was too big or that it was not even a step forward which is why I’d consider myself stuck.

“I do have flaws and so does everyone else. We’re all different in many ways and are worth more than thousands of gold”. That shit right there is true just that the society and maybe the people around you are the ones who have done so much to the point where they made you believe that you’re otherwise. I’ve always been living my life having almost 70% of the people around me telling me what is right and what is wrong. Don’t be fooled by thinking that I stupidly followed without even thinking through. I did but I was not able to do so because I know for damn sure that I will be judged and that people will really tear me down for doing otherwise. In fact, I really hate being in a position where people are going against me especially with a weak heart like mine. If you’ve known me or have met me personally, I am a happy go lucky kind of person. I really enjoy making people happy and I can guarantee you constant laughter for sure if we hang out. Helping someone or making people happy has always been my few top priorities in my life but because of that, I’ve always been trying to fulfill such that it has caused me to go through so much pain and literal sadness. “Drop them” they say. I didn’t because I’ve become so attached to these people and that at one point of time in my life, they have been the ones who have been there for me at my lowest and that they’ve seen me in every state be it lowest or highest. I’ve tried so hard to think of ways to make the situation better for everyone but never for myself that it caused me to feel very unappreciated and alone at times. Like they’ll walk off thinking that the problem is solved but that was because I gave in, taking the blame to make it easier that I was kept held in a garden of guilt like it grew immediately in me. I really hate speaking up because I know for a fact that I will lose in every argument and that I do not hold that much power and strength to speak up. It sucks really which is why I tend to bottle shits up than speaking up.

It’s always “Putri you should do this” or “Putri you could’ve”. It was literally never “we should” or “we could’ve”. I’ve been hearing so much of it that I’m so used to apologizing immediately or when no one is apologizing for their fault although I knew that I did the right thing. I’ll then rant about it to someone else and then they’ll tell me to speak up instead of just trying to be the “bigger” person. To be honest, I’d rather just take the whole blame and end it right there because the whole situation is just filled with ego and just pure anger. But then again, they’ll just tell me off on how I should be more selfish. It’s way too confusing for me because no matter what I do, it’s always wrong ya know. The funny thing is that the people who told me to be more selfish are the ones who will end up telling me or somebody else about how I was being selfish. That’s why I became more hesitant to do things because I am seriously not sure about how it would affect the people around me. Yes, my opinions should matter more to me than other’s but at the same time, other people’s feelings and opinions can literally affect me as well. It sucks.

Lastly, please do tell me if I am not like doing enough for you or like tell me in the nicest way possible because this piece of shit right here is literally too “sensitive” to take in rude comments. This is not serious thing but like if you wanna talk, you definitely can and I will try my best to reply, But if you don’t then please do not start a conversation with me. I really temporary conversations where you’ll be interested in the conversation at the starting, then when I return the same energy you’ll just show a whole new side of you. Not only does it make me feel like you’re tired of me, but it makes me wonder my whole entire life. Yes, I was wrong for like believing or like being too friendly but that is just me and I’ve tried to hard to change that about myself but I couldn’t. So now that you’ve known me for me being this way, please do not take advantage of the fact that and use me for temporary purposes. Rant to me, sure. I’ll literally free up my hole schedule just to hear you rant and try my literal best to make you feel better despite how I fell on that day or how difficult it can be but please don’t leave me hanging afterwards.

so, this is why.

— i lazy type alrdy so just wait for part 2—-

What is your first thoughts on depression? Most people think of depression as being sad. This is why some people tend to self-diagnosed themselves because they think that depression is the feeling of being sad and suicidal. It doesn’t come at an instant and so does it not go in an instant too. You know how scary movie always have their introductions and slowly build up to their climax? It is like that but worse because you will never know whether a new problem comes up or will it be the ending?

How does it feel? No one really knew the answer to this and neither do I. In fact, we can’t because it’s in a very complicated form that scientists can’t even figure out. People will notice the changes you’ve made but you never did because you’re just completely filled with mixed emotions and your schedules are just packed with war. It is true when people say they can’t feel things anymore not because they were hurt again and again but because depression fed u phencyclidine known as PSP, a drug that cause hallucination, distorted perception of sounds and violent behaviour. I do not mean that we took it ourselves nor did doctors prescript it to us, but that is how depressions controls us. You imagine things you don’t want to, you do things you did not mean to, you say things you think you need. During an argument, you tend to take full blame because you felt like you did something you don’t know you did.

We don’t want to be those people in the center of everyone. Somehow when we hide, it is so obvious because we used to be those people who you see telling jokes or even those people who gets anxiety attacks now and then. We didn’t make the choice to be sick, it’s an emotion that is very overpowering that you have no other place to keep it because every single shelf or save in your heart seems like a closet forced in with overflowing and unfolded laundry. The sadness and thoughts were not even sort out properly that you just let it overflow and fill up your whole room that you don’t have elsewhere to put so you have no choice but to carry it with you everywhere you go. We wish we could exchange with a new mind where there is tons of space for you to sought your life out, some space for you to lay down your carpet soaked with emotions dissolve away. In the world of depression, our strength is our money. It is not that we couldn’t afford this new mind but we didn’t have enough strength to go outside and try to find new ways on how to deal with the things we go through. I bet even some people can’t afford a luggage to put their emotions so that it would not be too heavy for them as it might be a load of weight on their bags. So do I. I can’t afford one either so I bring them in my torn and tiny little mind that’s about to break the moment I cry.

You see, we who go through this are really strong people. Who would want to carry a bag at least 6kg for a few years without putting them down not even once? No one but we did. We may seem like attention seekers but we’re hiders who tries to call out for the help you called attention seeking. We hate being this way but with your kind and encouraging words I think it will make them feel better. I really do understand that whatever I wrote might be unclear but some people might get what I’m trying to say. I’m not tryin to say that some people don’t ever feel the same nor feel sad but I hope you try your best to never fall in the whole like we do. Wipe them tears so that it will be clearer pathway and always look out for those who you know might need help. Hang in there, everything’s gonna be fine. Keep smiling and stay positive. Love you all xoxo.

“You’re better than this” they said. Up till today I still couldn’t trust them. I wouldn’t want to waste their effort into making me feel “better” so I just stood there and smiled. Deep in my heart, I really wanted to scream in their faces because all they tell me was lies. I waited and waited but still, nothing was written in my head. However, I was even more mad that my brain couldn’t even take the effort to just accept and at least TRY to be better.

I told these people you called “helpers” or “listening ears” whatever I felt. It’s fine cause that’s their job am i right? Knowing that, of course I answered every single stupid questions they asked. How are you? Why do you guys even think about killing yourselves? What can you gain from all this? Why did you even bother? Why did you listen to them? Just ignore them they say. My brain managed to at least come up with reasons until those question came up. I told them I don’t know. I didn’t know that their job still includes them digging up my own grave to know the reasons why I died. That’s when I stopped, smile and then told them that I needed to go for class. Did you get the joke? It’s not that I needed to go for class. I needed to beat myself up for going in there getting my shits even more complicated.

Hey Putri, you’re gonna be fine and I will help you okay? I understand what you’re going through but can you at least tell me why did you even cut yourself? Man, what a stupid question to ask. Its hilarious like ?? I didn’t even answer that. I looked down and started giggling to myself. Here is the thing, I don’t even fucking know why I did that and it’s funny how some of yall think that I can still try to control myself and not let it eat me up. All this while I was like the tigers in the circus putting up some funny show that you call “trying to be funny” with some clowns running around doing tricks with their painted face called “art” ? I feel like the trapped tigers in the circus. I couldn’t speak up for my ownself because the next thing I know is that I will be tortured and abused for doing so. I couldn’t live my own normal life. All I wanted was to live freely, hunt for happiness and live like I own my world.

Some of you yet still think of mental issues as a minor problem. You’d think that we want attention. Why would someone who doesn’t like being the center of attention want attention? We need help not attention. The kind of help that’s assuring not the kind of help which needs us to be sent for counselling. The kind of help that would try to give us a grip to hold on and not the kind of help that forces us up out of this stupid hole with their forces. When weakness strikes in, we fall back in cause there is no longer force to pull us back up. You find us picky? We’re not. It’s just choosing the suitable kind of help we need. We’re not lazy but weak. We’ve been through continuous wars with anxiety, our shadows, our fears and our ultimate enemy, ourselves. Yeah, it’s easy, you just gotta think of the correct technique and weapon to fight through. That’s not the right way and will never be. Looking at the big picture, you’re actually at war with yourself which means if you’re aiming to shoot your enemy in the head, you’re shooting yourself too. Hence, what to do? You wanna win the war but the only way is to kill your enemy which is yourself and if you kill your ownself then that’s it. That’s why we say, that if we’re at war with ourselves, it’s difficult and you wouldn’t be able to imagine the pain.

Time passes by, we get very numb each day. We’ve lost every part of ourselves therefore not feeling any pain no more. Somehow, depression still find its way to make me feel pain. Not the pain you feel when you’re slapped in the face by a person but the pain when your brain is drilled to the thought of killing yourself. Like some people who have committed crimes, in order to stop running and going anywhere in fear, they surrender themselves. We do too. In order to stop feeling fear, we let it take us away. We’re scared to feel pain, mad that we let them eat us up, embarrassed for giving up. We have had no choice but surrender was our only choice.

Soon, 2019 will come to an end and here I am wanting to share some highlights or in fact thank and apologies to some people. This year wasn’t the best year for me. In fact the worst. Went from loving to hating myself and the people around me. I couldn’t forgive myself for putting myself into such things and still not realising whose worth the wait. Though so many things i’ve gone through, i’m still really grateful for all the good times that I had.First of, I would like to thank the people who have been there through my ups and downs. Yes, I have always showed up some attitude which is my fault but thank you for making me feel like a person and not an object. Truly from the bottom of my heart, I truly apologise for having you to be involved in this hell of a ride with such a person that’s so weak. Thank you for keeping your word, even when I broke mine. I really do hope that I could help you in your tough times the way you always do.

To those who have not seen this depressed ass of mine, which clearly shows who you are, I would definitely wish you good luck in your life. And if I ever show you some uninterested face, it’s you who did that to yourself. Yes, I wasn’t that cool who watches Netflix , watching the same movie series like you do. I wasn’t that pretty, having really ugly big glasses with crooked teeth. I wasn’t even that rich to be going out eating at really expensive places and only could afford to eat in school. I wasn’t even that loud or awesome to suit your clique. I wasn’t even talented after all. The only thing I could do was just accept EVERY single second of you making me feel not worth it and keep going back home and cry myself to sleep, asking “Why am I born this way?”. YOU made me feel lonely, not enough, the most sensitive and emotional people ever. And you’re ashamed for who I am? You’re no longer part of my plans no more. You said you love me but you replaced me with them. I said how’d I feel but it didn’t exist so f*** it im gone.

Hopefully my 2020 will be come so much better and so does the people around me. No more tears, no more mental breakdown, no more counselling, no more accepting, no more kind, no more sympathy. No more of those please.